Recently I’ve heard a talk at my congregation where the speaker said: “Tears have been given to us from God as a way to release pressure. Think of a pressure pot. That’s exactly what tears do.”
Having lost my dad only two months ago I know a thing or two about tears.
Like, the way they sneak out at the most inappropriate times, even when you thought you had it all under control. Like, how much it physically hurts when you try to hold them in – your eyes get so sore and swollen. Like, how dehydrated you get when you cry too much. Like, how terrifying it is to admit publicly that you’re struggling a little – not so much with work, because one way or the other, you always stay on top; but with emotions.
The beauty of self-employment is freedom. Freedom to say: “Not today. Today I’m just curling up on the sofa reading a book because, honestly, today that’s all I can take.” But you feel a fraud. A fraud because you go on Instagram and you see that everyone is going to networking events, posting pictures of their recent shoots, doing lives from the coffee shop they are working from… and there is you: posting latergrams of the only exciting stuff that has happened to you in the last 30 days, because right now, it’s sofa-time and sofa-time is not exciting, or something you want your clients to see.
Making yourself vulnerable on social media isn’t for everyone, especially when you’re prone to easy tears. I value honesty, so I don’t know how to write captions and blog posts that are dry and emotionless. And I live in the belief that the right clients are just like me – they experience highs and lows and don’t expect anyone to have it all together all time. And while I wouldn’t be sitting there moaning to my clients about personal stuff, I will at times say: “I will be taking a day off tomorrow” and there won’t be a need to explain.
So as I’m writing this I can say that today is one of those days – jammed packed with tearful emotions, and yet, busy working. Feeling like I do when I am in the desert in Egypt. Surrounded by beauty, but not comfortable at the idea of being left alone. The possibilities out there are endless, if only we had the courage to go and grab them. But no, sometimes we choose to see the side that makes us fearful. We’re okay for as long as we’re surrounded by people. But the moment we’re left alone, fear is overwhelming… But thank goodness for tears. Thank goodness for honest people that remind you it’s okay to feel like that sometimes.
If that’s what you’re feeling too, just know you’re not alone. Being emotional isn’t a crime. Taking time off to let your feelings trickle out to then recompose yourself is just fine. Don’t hold it in. Don’t pretend all the time. Just be.
With love, bundles of it,